(((2am…)))

longing? yearning? seeking? searching? pulling? reaching? more? next? “rush-collecting”?

something feels like it builds, like pressure in a kettle; words, weed, food, entertainment, all (can) feel like releasing steam…
it may not necessarily matter which or what; perhaps any “use of energy” will do…
household chores, showering, brushing teeth, gaming, exercising, masturbating, whatever…
just not nothing…
anything but nothing…
thinking, breathing, being…
just not nothing…

8:30am…

it’s funny… even the “doing” of nothing seems to necessitate a sort of active resistance to impulse in the absence of cessation of thought…
like the “nope” response to “this would be good to write ab-out” isn’t exactly nothing — simply seemingly choos-ing not to engage in physical activity (other than breathing and other bodily functioning)…
basically, there seems to be no risk of doing noth-ing, stillness and silence being relative rather than absolute…

thinking, sensing, perceiving — phen-omena…

breathing (deeply…)…
noticing (rabbit holes, bread-crumb trails, sometimes something like red-light district windows arising, waving, pulling with curiosity, uncertainty, imagination, impulse, intuition or whatever else…)…
being…

open, aware, present…
whatever is (sometimes wait-ing for an end that may never come, that may not even exist…)…
nothing excluded…
here…
now…
this (mundanity, repetitiousness (repetitiveness? (whatever — i can make up words))…

being is (as good a word for this as anything else)…

… an unconditional yes to experiencing…
(a/the capacity to conceptualize and contextualize what-ever this (actually? really?) is…)

💕