(((dis-engage…)))

((the title elicits memories of an original song by an artist (who’s name i’ve forgotten) who appeared on America’s Got Talent some time ago))

thoughts are all over the place. VA claim decisions, appeals, and processes; mental health functional summaries and assessments…

<anxiousness compelled and e-mail response to one of the attorneys…>

… financial considerations, general sense of “slowness” and/or “heaviness” ((resistance to explaining those in greater experiential detail, imagining the time and typing that would be required)) today (or throughout the morning at least — anything could can change)…

thoughts, sensations, perceptions — phenomena…
(Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody is quite a song to play BeatSaber to… “i don’t wanna die. i sometimes wish i’d never been born at all.” and several other lines that “struck chords” throughout gameplay)

breathe…
<deep breath…>
notice…
rest in awareness…
(the mental energy being devoted to outcomes still in process over which i have relatively little control (unless i want to lie ((which i don’t… ever))) is enormous (spelling doesn’t look right ((though it apparently is)), but i also don’t use this word very often))

open, aware, present… (almost being able to “feel” (or interpret as such) the body’s attempt(s?) to dis-engage from awareness of uncomfortable sensations) whatever is happening… (“dis-engage” might be a good title for this one) nothing excluded… (even potential/perceived/actual disengagement i guess) here/now/this… (all part of it…)

being is enough…
(still a whisper-shout of “is it though?!”)

… an unconditional yes (just remembered the hot-brewed green tea chilling in the fridge ((still haven’t checked on it))) to experiencing it/at all…

(love) 💕