(((finger pain…)))
moving slow. sore from yard work yesterday. feeling be-hind. there’s a small spot on the pad of the middle fin-ger where a splinter used to be and it’s almost exactly where said finger presses into the pen writing these words making every stroke feel…
mind was wandering while rinsing a water bottle in the kitchen sink again. something about words like obligatory, required, nec-essary, etc., being interesting — basically applicable only in the context of survival also being so, which it real-ly isn’t. the universe will go on without me, us, this planet, the solar system, even the galaxy’s end would barely register on a cosmic scale.
so if survival is more like an option/preference, then what is ever truly obligatory/required/necessary other than whatever might be subjectively considered so?
giggling to myself remembering that these thoughts arose while feeling obligated to write something here while also feel((ing)) unmotivated to do so in addition to feeling short on time.
now remembering a line from a movie, of which i recall neither the title nor the specific characters ((not even the theme)), delivered sarcastically like “you and your feelings — they just run you, don’t they…”
thinking now about trying to be anyone/anything/anywhere other than this… always reaching out((ward)) (as if away from cen-ter, toward “other” or “more” or “next”). so much energy being devoted to guiding movement.
meditate more (freq-uency & duration), be more active, be more optimistic, be more social, smile more, reach out to friends and family more, work more or find another or a better job, eat less sugar, drink more water, get more sunlight, take more deep breaths, spend less time on the phone or watching shows/movies, read more, learn more, be better…
but what’s so wrong with this that any of that or anything else should be necessary? is any of that desired, or do they all feel more like “should”?
if effort were to be set aside, would any of them come ab-out naturally (perhaps in their own time, or spontaneously, or via unexpected means)? am i too afraid to relinquish control to find out? ((do i really have any control to relinquish?))
and yet how has hanging onto any sense of (perceived) control been working out?
and isn’t letting go of control just another form of trying to make things (now/this) different?
thinking, sensing, perceiving — phenomena…
breathing…
noticing… (… how finger pain has resulted in unusually messy handwriting)
being…
open, aware, present…
whatever is…
nothing excluded…
here…
now…
this…
being is…
… an unconditional yes to experiencing…
💕