(((fuck blame…)))

sugar brain
rather be sleeping
almost 2am
compulsive shopping for fun-colorful shorts mostly
wondering if they’ll still be worn in winter (probably) questioning self-control; an odd corollary to questioning self (who is it that seems to have no “self-control”?)
why desire more clothes, bright colors (when the house is barely ever left but for very few appointments and errands)?
fucking (delicious) custard (satisfied/frustrated)…
tired. awake.
seeking distraction from nothing to do while wanting to do essentially nothing.
afraid (uncomfortable with) perhaps of where thinking might go if left undirected - perhaps nowhere (which might be most frightening of all).
let’s find out…

slept 3-ish hours
waiting to see if any eBay sellers make/accept offers on the last few (hopefully) wanted items
wondering (if not) if i’ll give in and pay asking prices
really not enjoying the awareness that “maybe”…
also not particularly enjoying the unlikelihood of going back to sleep
enjoying the anticipation of “winning” (deals on) more clothes
better than the anticipation of a busy day
rush of spending “too much” money (credit), like “gambling” with available future funds, creating my own (focused) stress (as a distraction, perhaps, from the sensations of stress for no reason(s) (uncertainty), like emotional(ly) eating (all that custard) — feeling over-eating/sugar gross is cognitively “easier” than feeling gross for no (obvious) reason(s)
what would be the dilemma of feeling all these ways with no identifiable sources?
nothing to stop or change; just (the) feelings themselves and nothing to be done
might as well get up and start whatever…

thoughts, sensations, perceptions — phenomena…
(whatever “thinking/mind” makes them (seem like))

breathe…
(obviously…)
notice…
(obviously…)
rest in awareness…
(rest? ha! 😅😳🤪🤦‍♂️)

open, aware, present…
(to/for what?)
whatever is happening…
(fuuuuuuck…)
nothing excluded…
(craving, compulsion, addiction, distraction, avoidance, excessiveness, wastefulness, indulgence, impulsiveness, “self”-judgment, “self”-imposed stress/anxiety/discomfort…)
here…
now…
this…
(😳🙄😒😑😤😖😣😩)

being is…
(what, though? WHAT THOUGH?! ALL OF IT?!)

… an unconditional yes to experiencing…
(even the shit, even this shit, even all the “no’s”…)

(fucking thoughts, fucking behaviors, fucking words, fucking… this.. FUCK!)

💕😣😒