(((irony…)))

the beginning of the conversation (an almost argument about miscommunication and differences in how hurt feelings are handled) was initiated by a spontaneously arising description of a miscommunication we often have…

specifically, the difference between what is heard and what is intended by any form of “you do it, too”…

several first-hand accounts from my wife would indicate that any such statement is received as blame-shifting, avoiding/ignoring feelings, and potentially as avoiding/ignoring whatever the general “problem” is.

understandable. even a rational perspective, but not at all the intention. what said statement is “meant” to represent is something more like “i recognize that the pattern seems to have elicited some uncomfortable feelings. i recognize this same pattern in your behavior. if it is the pattern of behavior that’s the problem, let’s work on it together.”

maybe a little too much to pack into “you do it too”, but there it is…

which evolved, as such attempted explanations often have, into a conversation about lack of acknowledgment of feelings when such feelings are expressed…

again, (i assume) a totally normal and reasonable thing to want/expect in a relationship…

now just two things:

1) ”it’s not my behavior, it’s your perception of my behavior”
realizing that such might seem a “slippery slope” in terms of freedom to do whatever, it is also technically accurate. given that, in being generally well-meaning, when someone has apparently felt hurt in response to something i’ve said or done, or not said or done, the most immediate response is to address the misperception that seems to be causing the problem by accurately explaining the intention. This is what Sherri has typically viewed as the lack of acknowledgment mentioned above of whatever feelings — usually “hurt” or unpleasant/uncomfortable — might have been described.

How it’s actually intended, however, is almost as if responding to an emergency situation, like “you’re coming to me with “hurt” feelings presumably because such feelings are presently bothersome. let’s treat this as a bleeding wound. the intention then is to address the bleeding (the uncomfortable/undesirable emotions) first by dealing with its cause (the misperception of intention). once the bleeding has been reduced/alleviated, then we can move on to the nature of the wound itself, details of the specific emotions, events and perception leading up to whatever the apparent cause might’ve been.

Sherri wants acknowledgment of the feelings first. otherwise, she feels as though she and said feelings are being dismissed/ignored (another misperception, by the way).

2) “what about what i do”
when “hurt” feelings arise, i ask “what (mis)perception am I holding that might be associated with (“causing”) these feelings?” with an answer followed rather incessantly at times by “now why do i have that perception?” or “from whom/where what experience does this perception come?”

eventually, most questions lead to a sort of empty space by which time any feelings associated with the initial perception are basically gone (at least mild enough to be of no consequence and with no particular meaning or cause assigned to their presence) leaving nothing to discuss and nothing for anyone to change about anything they’re saying or doing, or not saying or not doing…

Sherri would prefer that i acknowledge the “hurt” feelings (and perhaps specifically my participation, even if entirely unintentional, in eliciting them) and then at least consider altering whatever speech or behavior or lack thereof seems to have “caused” said feelings.

in the midst of this conversation, after explaining to Sherri the bleeding analogy described above, provided no acknowledgement of the expression of accurate intention 😂 (which i did later point out 😮😳😂) and proceeded to describe the level of frustration elicited by the (unintended and voluntarily engaged in the no mention of any expectations of brevity) length of the conversation in the middle of some form of in-depth analysis of her nearly complete thesis, to which i (eventually) responded:

(paraphrased, but reasonably accurate:)
i’m sorry. it was not (nor is it ever really) my intention to elicit any unpleasant/uncomfortable/undesirable feelings nor there intention to derail any work in which you might’ve been engaged with either length or content of this conversation, so i’m sorry that this has happened. the intention was to share a seemingly spontaneously arising awareness of a specific variation of what has been a fairly common point of miscommunication between us that has just as commonly resulted in your feelings being unintentionally hurt. i just wanted to shed light on something i found interesting. how was that? is that more like what we’re goin’ for?

Sherri: “yes.”

ironic?

that’s gonna be all for today.

thinking, sensing, perceiving — phenomena…

breathing…
noticing…
being…

open, aware, present…
whatever is…
no exclusions…
here…
now…
this…

… an unconditional yes to experiencing…

💕

PS
thanks, Sherri, for the content. 😘