(((no tea…)))

<holding this notebook open. cycling through pos-sible starting places including “no tea” or “what am i really saying? (and all that it entails)” or “morn- “opening” or something else that popped in while washing dishes that… it’s recalled like watching a movie with no audio — all the excitement and sur-prise, but none of the dialogue, or even this… though (i didn’t and) i’m not sure i was of could’ve planned this outcome…>

<no tea (not this morning; not yet anyway. every-thing else done though — morning chores, stretching/exercise (recalling wondering “do i take better (care) of myself when i’m high?” and then “maybe. you are more likely to be active, to eat better (more? i don’t feel like either “better” or “more” are at all necessary or desired (though admittedly the variety provided by travel would be thoroughly enjoyed); i don’t know what exactly was meant by “better”, but that’s what was being thought)


aaanyway..


stretching is fantast-ic! it can still be felt. there was hesitation initially to begin this writing, not wanting to be distracted from the sensations while also longing to try to describe them or whatever else comes up. aiming to hit at least the major areas — lower extremities including hips and groin, lower-back/core, upper back, chest, shoulders, neck, but every-thing gets at least a little just going through the motions and positions, during and especially after-ward (like when sitting still). it feels like the recently stretched depression muscle tissue comes alive! like little pockets of mild warmth and gentle ting-ling — equatable perhaps to a sensation of increased bloodflow to such an area — and all over. it’s most often the goal to stretch more deeply or to find a seemingly new/unfamiliar muscle or stretch sens-ation and then slowly, gently stretch into that too.
“how far can i go if slowly?” “when at any perceived limitation, how long can i stay there? can i relax into it more? what else can be relaxed? what range of motion is available? how does it ((sensations)) change ((with movement))? what happe(n)s if i back of(f) a bit? continue slowly? how does it move or fade? when does how is it now?”
“like something hugging my bones.” it may not be necessary, but it is, nevertheless, a great motivation to stretch (move) consistently.))>

i didn’t make tea today. wasn’t sure if i would still get into BeatSaber (or stretching even, though glad i did) after all the morning stuff, and also “i don’t have to have a hot drink every day; just water is fine sometimes too”. perfectly valid. i seem to miss the making of and writing about ((often forgetting about)) it just as much as the drinking. nothing is ever quite exactly the same is it?

“what am i saying?” something about words being essentially (inherently) meaningless and including their inability (not by fault, simply by nature) to fully express the whole truth. so what am i really saying? am i not just an apparent source of seemingly patterned and organized sounds, whether “in your head” or outloud((,)) delivering apparent messages that are being cons-tructed as the organized patterns appear. remem-bering at least enough to make sense (hopefully) of whatever might be next, so what am i really saying? nothing really.

still don’t remember the washing dishes thing… maybe that (pointing up)((☝️)) was it, but unsure…



thoughts, sensations, perceptions — phenomena…
(enjoying how these turn out… feeling at least a little bit less bad about being at least a little bit high for at least a little bit of pretty much every day.)

breathe. notice. rest in awareness…
(attachment? yes. causal associations (desires)? yes. potential health risks? yes. weighed against per-ceived benefits at present? perfectly acceptable and worth it.)

open, aware, present… (here now, always)… whatever is happening… nothing excluded… here/now/this…

being is enough…

… an unconditional yes to experiencing it/at all…

you are loved.

for therapy…

getting at least a little bit high for at least a little bit of pretty much every day for about the last two months. subjectively, and with awareness of the potential risks, it has been by far the most helpful thing. admittedly, it may at times temporarily impair normal function and such instances are somewhat unpredictable, but measures are taken to insure minimal responsibilities during such times as such instances might be more likely. this is likely a genuinely expressed “argument” for it being “under-control”, though unsure why such an argument is even necessary unless attempting advance-alleviation of any concern others might have about inclusion of such substances and states into daily routine. and then the thought “do what works” and then “works to do what? for what purpose?” and then “subjective/perceived increased mental (spiritual) and sensational enjoyment of the present.”