(((purpose…)))

questioning even this again. wondering about meanings and messages… this ends up seeming like abstract drawing that just happens to be “organized” into lines. order bearing varying significance, maybe like the diff-erence between painting a rainbow or just throwing a bunch of the exact same colors at random all over a canvas. a rainbow has meaning because it’s familiar, and perhaps because of some recognition of some natural “flow” of colors through gradients ((natural? color? gradient? recognition?)), but uncertain (whether) it’s appropriate to even go that far…
is it still “fun” if it’s also meaning-less, even to “me” (what/whoever that (this) is)? if it’s only ever for this “me”, then its purpose is essentially vent-ing — getting these things “out of ‘my’ head” as commonly stated, but are they even really “in” somewhere to beg-in with? or do they (mostly, at least) only come about beca-use of engagement in this activity? would this train of thought be followed — would it even arise at all — were it not being written as such?
am i hoping to help my-self somehow? help someone else? help how? with what? what is “help” even? and in the context of acceptance of what is and complete openness to and unconditional love for all experience(ing(?)), what is help’s purpose and when is it ever actually needed?
((contemplating the purpose of documenting circumstantial interruptions in writing… honesty? entertainment? accuracy? really not sure why sometimes and not others))
what/who ever needs changing? ((previously thought of babies immediately after writing this line)) needs anything?
unless attached to continued(ing(?)) physical existence…

thoughts, sensations, perceptions — phenomena…

breathe…
(not just searching for an “out” re-garding participation/engagement, nor justifying ending life, though both are perceived as valid experiences)
<deep breaths… (why even this reminder/instruction? to change internal circumstances? to “feel better”? to “help myself”? all reinforcing what exactly, and why?)>
notice…
(this one elicits a smile — whether “inner”, “outer”, both, neither, and even in the absence of distinction between, noticing implies noticer ((funny that that’s not a recognized word)) noticing that which is being noticed, even if only the noticer itself)
rest in awareness…
(who’s resting in what?)

open, aware, present…
(all still characteristics implying some-“thing” being described)
whatever is happening…
(per-haps something as simple as “movement” (of sorts) being perceived as ((relatively)) still/solid; “objective”, or object at all, being an incomapacity to directly perceive “speed” (freq-uency? vibration?) of such movement…)
nothing exclud-ed…
(what is there to exclude?)
here…
now…
(inesca-pable?)
this…
(?)

being is enough…
(classic little tag line “is it though?” poking its head out along with “is it even necessary?” “enough for what?” “too much?” “too much for what?” “enough or too much comp-ared to what?”)

… an unconditional yes to experienc-ing it/at all…
(even this, whatever it is…)

(love) 💕

((remembering another (well, technically not remembering) thought that i thought would be fun to tag on to the end of this. meant to type it up before beginning transcription, but apparently forgot that too…))