(((speak…)))

“speak” was a title idea before thinking much about what would actually be written. something about how words just seem to fly out sometimes, even from within an ocean of “why do you want to say that?” “who’s the ‘you’ that wants to say it?” “what does it even real-Love you (the computer will try to “correct” “ly” to “love you” and i may let it (who? who’s that <— “i”; this “me”?)) mean?” “will it mean what you (i) think it means to whoever i want to say or think i’m saying it to?” “what are the risks of saying it?” “what might be the ultimate conseq-uences of ((taking)) such risks?” “is it worth it for whatever its purpose is determined to be?” “what if no such purpose is determinable?” “speak anyway?”
whole conversation with Sherri just happened, basically about building fountains; “i” was in it the whole time, but choosing words? not really, or perhaps so quickly that “i” can’t tell i’m doing it, but then what “i” is doing it? whatever…
… “by what criteria are risks assessed in terms of potential consequences?” “might be uncomfortable?” painful? scary? hurtful? challenging/difficult? awkward? unfamiliar? are not all such things possible with anything new?
uncertainty. unknowing…
grasping at(/for) probabilities, likelihoods, tangibilities… limits, controls…”
how do any worthwhile words ever arise from an ocean of that?
“but shouldn’t i at least answer questions?” “is it not kindness and love that responds when someone seems to reach toward with inquiry or sharing, choosing any form of involvement and inclusion?” “and must response be “in kind” so-to-speak?” “((i)) like how that swings back around to the title idea — a clear now but entirely unforeseen loop.” “what is ((the)) kindnessest, most loving action i can take, if any action at all, if “i” even know what “kind(est)” and “(most) love(ing)” mean?” “had to check back a bit and make sure that was meant to be a question; couldn’t remember…”
an ocean of this, and still these words arise even now, as if on their own, and the “the mind” says “it’s the marijuana; it’s rooted in chosen activity and substance(tial?) effects, as in some “thing” obvious and external; a symbol that this “me” believes it’s chosen and is functional for eliciting ((the experience of)) a particular “level” of awareness, as if to intentionally differentiate it from any other ((subjectively)) definable “levels” wh but why define, differentiate, substantiate (not sure how/if this word applies, perhaps in reference to concepts like observation/attention being involved in the creation of matter as experienced, but see how there’s still a doer — a differentiation and, perhaps, substantiation, is it not? so “who” is doing the differentiating, defining, substantiating? is this how one proves one’s existence? is this not also maybe proof of it’s sort of absence? why even ask? why speak? what in all of nothing need be shared? said? communicated at all? and if nothing, who/what remains? if any… (“another good title, maybe… (laugh ((😆)))”)”

feeling the “proof” ((of existence)) of personal pride at how that turned out, even though it admits there’s no tangible sense of “i” doing consciously doing it.
“but then who thought about and made the choice to make the prior edit? who chose to pause and reassess and add the word “consciously” after the fact? who’s choosing to describe that process in as much detail as seems necessary using these very words to “point” to this very “someone/noone” here((?))…
what else to say?
i love you? that’s the only reason i’m here?
that’s the only reason i’m here, who/what ever i am?

and absolute freedom to create whatever “life” one chooses, and to be “with” (as) through all of it… loving, without condition…
why else?”
still un-certain as to who/what this is though… (“who’s un-certain?” “who’s even asking this?” “this body? mind?”
who/what? why?

(love) 💕

there’s… here’s this pride again… love this, too? or “simply” “know” that the experiencing of it is the loving of it, even if it feels like everything else...
couldn’t this be the point? to know love in… form?(?) to be experiencing love always as the very nature of existence includ-ing forgetting, doubting, hating, grieving, living, dying, and everything “else”? to “know” that “love” is “present” in everything regardless of how it feels, regardless of what it calls itself or how it appears.

honestly no idea who’s idea these are, or what outcome might be expected, though several have been imagined if recent memory serves, and then a wondering how such thoughts escaped being written — then actually-being-perceived presently in imaginat-ion to some degree while these very words are being written — some strange “image” of maybe some kind of general success which appears as an upper-body shot of a person on horseback engage((d in)) that polo-type game that i don’t want to try to remember/guess the name of. that may not actually be repres-entative of success though — nothing about that sport seems particularly appealing apart from the beauty of the horses and what i imagine (hope) are close and loving relationships with riders and caretakers.

“i” hope… “i” imagine… “i” don’t want to try…
an ocean of this…

“how best to love if not to fully let be and never cease loving?
making it the only impossibility?”
“why do anything else?” why else do any-thing?”
“who?”
(and there (here) it is again! “another “good” title idea (“who?”) and that little “boom!” “pride/excitement” “explosion” “in” “my” “chest”…

sensations, perceptions — phenomena…
(loving that transition and where this is now headed…)

breathe…
<deep slow breaths (2)…>
notice…
(deep breathing continues as does this…)
rest in awareness…
(a brief moment of relative “inner” silence before the next breath; (“see all the differentiation built into that sentence? “brief” “relative” “inner” “silence” “before”? all specifics for “painting a picture”, for sharing, even if only with these pages — experiencing and sharing (any/all possible forms of) expression”))

open, aware, present…
(after another brief pause essentially “waiting” for how to continue which is now being experience((d)) more directly as a kind-of, not-exactly absence.)
whatever is happening…
(apparently this(, too?)…
nothing excluded…
((giggle) apparently this, too… (laugh ((😆))))
here…
<breathe…>
now…
<breathe…>
this…
<breathe…>

being is enough…
(or it wouldn’t be (laughing (at the contrast)))…

… an unconditional yes (love) to experien-cing it/at all…

(love) 💕

could the simple “act” of being be love loving? what would that mean?
…
is relative silence, peacefulness, validation? must it be otherwise witnessed, felt, believed, known(, experienced)? why? (by whom/what) and who/what asks this?

(“if not (an?) ‘I’(…/?)” (another decent title idea, but less a fan of the potentially seemingly personal reference))

((who’s to say. another (now) near-the-top-of-options title idea…))
((hearts 💕 or no hearts? (liking that they’re included in the uncertainty (😊))))
(((no matter what is written, spoken, thought, communicated, seen, felt, any truly tangible ultimate source is uncertain at best. belief, denial, unconcern, ignorance, all equally valid)))