(((ugh…)))
increasingly motivated to just shut the fuck up…
even the simplest things…
the picture painted seems almost never the picture seen…
the question “why paint?” arises…
for fun? but it’s no fun to have creation twisted…
“ugh” is a fun word. not so much due to any literal def-inition if it has one, but because its sound and the general sentiment it conveys.
ugh with writing; ugh with words; ugh with communication; just ugh…
<taking a break…>
Google: “‘Ugh’ is a sound or word you make to show you do not like something, feel annoyed, or think something is gross. It is an informal way to let out a negative feeling like frustration or tiredness.”
the description that comes to mind is something like a combination of defeat/exhaustion/resignation (as in surrender), but close enough, i guess…
what about the “fun” of creating just to create? is it still fun if it has no point?
no explaining… no moving of any needle… no increase(s) in clarity or understanding… no closer to anything… no difference made at all of any kind whatsoever, except now some-thing exists (in a way) that (it) didn’t before…
fun? enough?
purposeless thoughts. meaningless ideas. pointless eff-ort. endless trying/doing/nothing…
<taking a break…>
is fun not basically the pleasure of pointlessness? maybe it’s also fun to have other reasons, to experience challenges, to reach goals and whatnot… fun to experience “new/novel”, to cross thresholds, to discover… and sure, sometimes, just to be participating in creating, not for the sake of creating, but purely for the sake of participating with/in creating… the novelty of experiencing something emerging through/with/in/as…
but also sometimes, ugh…
thoughts, sensations, perceptions — phenomena…
breathe…
notice…
rest in awareness…
open, aware, present…
(wondering if all of these ancillary (not sure if that’s the best word because the actual definition is unknown; it’s being used as a fancier-sounding alternative to “other”) thoughts are even worth attempting to describe/document…)
whatever is happening…
nothing excluded…
(all this “alternative/other” thinking is happening whether written or not…)
here…
now…
this…
(like glimpses of coherent-seeming… bursting forth from countless dialogues all occurring simultaneously…)
being is…
(at least this much seems to be true…)
… an unconditional yes to experiencing it/at all…
(enough.)
💕