(((whelm…)))

overwhelmed with… except wondering what that act-ually means… circumstances? sensations? thinking? all of it? is overwhelm supposed to look like something? frozen? crying in a corner somewhere? what about a sort of default automation? an almost dissociated “going through the motions”? normal-looking behavior, calm affect, perhaps a bit more quiet/contemplative…
apparently still able to write coherently about it (unless this is a jumbled mess and i just can’t tell (possible)).
is it supposed to look like something? is it really over-whelm if it doesn’t break through the facade, or does that rather speak to the strength/integrity of the character/role/costume — that it remains so intensely committed to showing little-to-nothing of stress, duress(sp?), overwhelm, dissatisfaction, frustration, con-cern, uncertainty((?))…
(appearing) ever-confident (in ab-solutely nothing, really…)…

thoughts, sensations, perceptions — phenomena…
(thinking, thinking, think-ing — bane, gift, curse, marvel, words…)

breathe…
(shallow until attention given, but even a deep breath feels… pointless? ineffective?)
notice…
(wanting to sip some coffee, check the phone (it vibrated mom-ents ago), distract from going any deeper into this…
describe sensations? why? because it((’))s “grounding”? reducing emotional labels to more immediate and trivial-seeming sensational labels? escaping or at least minimizing or recontextualizing ((apparently not a word (but totally should be))) discomfort, unpleasantness (more labels)?
why?)
rest in awareness…
(rest. ha! “insides” are sprinting blindly, slamming into each other ((colliding is a word i was trying to think of earlier)) at indiscernable strengths and speeds ((yes, indiscernible is spelled incorrectly, but i don’t care)) — all directions all at once with no rhythm or predictability…
and yet here is((,)) sitting (relatively) still, writing ((this)), as it… nothing…)

open, aware, present…
(perhaps to varying degrees (arguably) but is anyone ever really not? even to feel “closed” is, in a sense, openness to that experience, and certainly awareness of it, and is one not still present with experiences like distraction, wandering thoughts, remembering, imagining, anticipating, “absent-mindedness”, etc.?)
whatever is happening…
(as if there’s truly any choice)
nothing excluded…
(still sometimes objectifying “no-thing” as if it is a “thing” to be excluded)
here…
now…
this…
(what’s the difference?)

being is…
(enough?)…

… an unconditional yes to experiencing it/at all…

(is… love?) 💕