(((why…)))

“why…” might be the title of this one if a title ends up seeming appropriate and if nothing “better” (more “fitting”) comes along (((and)) depending on where this goes). but it’s back to “why say anything?”
this question (wanting to say “plagues ((me))” for dramatic effect) arises often both before and after words pass the lips. it is a (primary?) hinderance in addition to the recognition ofd the inadequacy of language in general to effectively communicate full (meaning,) context and intention in simple terms ((and associated concerns around being misunderstood/misperceived)).
“why (do i want to) say… this?”
attention? certainly sometimes. maybe often. sharing interest? possible, but not often consciously so.
“i wonder if this will be (perceived as) helpful or insightful…” is a thought that occurs with some frequency during conversation, but even that has ((seems to have)) at least partial motivations in want-ing “self” to be perceived as helpful/insightful as if the source of such.
influence change? have an impact? leave a footprint/legacy? be remembered (id-eally positively (what((ever)) that happens to mean at the time)? feel seen, smart, superior? make another feel seen, smart, cared for, loved, interesting, or whatever else (i think) they might want to feel? listened to ((/understood))? relieved? hopeful?
why do i offer so much (mental) (energy) to “i” and “other” in the first place? why even listen to the sense of “i” that wants (to say) anything? it would be awkward not to, at least sometimes (e.g. asked a direct question), and do “i” really want to deal with that? do “i” want silence to create/increase perceived distinction/separation ((“look at me and how different (a.k.a. “unique/special”) “i” am))?
what can be said that doesn’t come from all of this? what, if anything, simply arises (naturally?)(spontaneously?)? who am i without words? why does it matter and to whom?

thoughts, sensations, perceptions — phenomena…

breathe…
<deep breaths…>
notice…
rest in awareness…
(watching these random markings trav-el across the page without much thought being given… seems like thinking isn’t more than a word or two ahead, absent any questioning of “why” any of this…)

open, aware, present…
(words, symbols, lines and squiggles)
whatever is happening…
(whatever uncertainty is is about as close as “i” can get…)
nothing excluded…
(no comment)
here…
now…
this…
(what else is… ?)

being is…
(not even sure “enough” is necessary)

… an unconditional yes to experiencing it/at all…
(see how that accid-entally turned out? “being is an unconditional yes to experiencing it/at all…” love that…)

💕

“like trying to clean a window with a hammer” 😆