(((brittany)))

not wanting to start this morning without some sense of where it will go…

still imagining different paths, outcomes…

am i trying to achieve something? afraid of what might come up/out?
am i gonna end up posting this?

still wandering off while writing…

and definite maybe to all of those…
(don’t forget the opening…)

thoughts, sensations, perceptions — phenomena…
breathe. notice. rest in awareness…
(“it’s been too long!” “i’m a shit brother…”)

open, aware, present…
(“oh get ready… we’re about to un-load…”)

… whatever is happening… nothing excluded… here/now/this…
(“take none of this seriously unless you must”)

being is enough…

… an unconditional yes to experiencing (it/)at all…

not the first thought(s) this morning, but by far the most dominant so far is are about calling my sister, Brittany…
and then everything that comes with that…

she is this… star among so many memories, exper-iences, during our shared early journies(sp?);
she is this foundation, centerpiece(one word?), for family, friendship, love, all the challenges of three different sets of influences, opinions, individual challenges, goals, dreams (our mother mom included) existing in shared space, resilience, determination, empathy, compassion, forgiveness…
she is all of this and certainly more…
her presence, her existence is inseparable from what- and whoever i am…

anyway…

so i probably think about calling her maybe once a month (but that’s been heavily averaged — it’s more like 3 months here, two weeks there…) and it most often represents itself as it’s doing so now: as a flood of “it’s been too long.” “what’re you gonna ask about?” “do you even know her anymore?” “do you even care to find out?” “she could always call you if she wanted to…” “can’t you just let go and let the chips fall where they may?” “she is living her life, same as you…” “would she even want to talk to you?” “does she feel abandoned (again)?” “should i apologize?” “ask for forgiveness?” “be honest about likelihood of any ultimately noticeable change in behavior while also expressing openness(two n’s?) to it’s the possibility?” “how do i ask if it’s okay that i might call ((initiate)) (only) once every three months or whatever it might be, but that i will call as long as i know that inconsist-ency is understood and accepted?” “how do i explain that i love it when she calls, and i totally understand why she would enjoy and might even prefer being on the receiving end?” but still, “how do i explain that i’m happy to receive calls about anything, ever?” “how do i explain this love?"

inseparable.
i am not without her.
time and distance are meaningless.
i love her so much that i couldn’t care less what our relationship looks like — this love is unchanging;

and then i wonder (experience “concern” about) whether or not she knows this… all of this…

just how much i could never not love her completely…

(“no matter how much i think/remember to call…”)
(“there are no rules for unconditional love…”)

out of sight out of mind…
most thoughts most often center what is most immediately in front or around ((or within)) me, hence some of the inner tumult(sp?) like “shit! how long has it been since i called?!” “how long is too long?” “is there an expectation i’m unaware of?” “have i failed it already?”
not ever because of any lack of interest or love in any way,
but perhaps simply because of a sort of contentment…
not much of a need to do anything about anything…
so doing stuff that isn’t part of basic, regular, daily routines and appearances simply doesn’t “come to mind” much…

but when i do think of Brittany… 🥰🥹