(((open...)))
thoughts, sensations, perceptions - phenomena…
breathe. notice. rest in awareness…
open, aware, present… whatever is happening… nothing excluded… here/now/this…
being is enough…
an unconditional ‘yes’ to the fact of experiencing at all
is there a less… culturally appropriated(?) word for “mantra”?
thinking about that while rinsing out a bottle (over the kitchen sink).
is that what the above is?
is a mantra technically a spoken thing?
all questions i want to look up or ask ChatGPT about; and good news! they’ll all have answers.
then there were(are) thoughts about that ‘here/now/this’ line with purposeful forward-slash use meant to subtly indicate a sort of understanding (or maybe just a belief (or theory))(that) they’re all essent-ially different words for the same thing…
what-ever this…
here…
now is…
<sipping tea>
i’ve also thought noticing also several (a lot of?) thoughts about or related to content production…
expectations of expectations of consistency, prof-undity...
also about the act of writing itself, specifically hand-writing in this case (in this journal, for example).
((perhaps ironically now typing this))
there’s a now at least a somewhat conscious association with this stuff as ‘private’, or maybe more like an “i’ll put it here first just to make sure…
(i don’t embarrass (humiliate?) myself? unsure.)
(i think i smell cat pee, but have, as of yet, been unable to locate it;
i’ve started wondering if it’s being imagined with thoughts like “if you really were (if i really was/am) smelling it, it would/should be easy to find…"
"i mean, (if) it’s cat pee - either it’s “in my head” or “i haven’t looked hard (enough).”
"both possible.”
it also might not be cat pee at all ((even if i am actually smelling anything))
we were/i was talking (thinking) about embarrassing myself in writing.
in this journal for sure potentially, but also potentially ((publicly)) digitally immortalized.
(wide-eyed emoji appropriate)((😳))
i want to not mind.
i don’t think i do really.
or maybe i just can’t imagine much that i might feel some great need to hide… unsure.
masturbation, or just general sexual desire?
sure, if when/if it comes up.
random thoughts of violence or self-harm?
same deal.
the feeling of wanting to mention state/communicate/reassure(?) that the content mentioned in the prior inquiry occurs relatively infrequently ((when compared to memory, at least)) and never ((no longer)) with any intent?
yep. this, too...
there it is.
what about prejudices and judgements and assumptions and all the -isms?
yes.
no avoiding if it can be at all helped.
what else?
equality? respect/gratitude (appreciation?) for (relationship/connection with) nature?
(the thought “we’re like microbes on it’s ((earth’s)) body”)
yes.
seriously.
whatever…
the thought “okay… we’ll see…"
"masturbation, masturbation, masturbation!"
"ha!”
oh, the joy of writing.
(eye-rolling emoji)((🙄))
wondering about two possible directions now…
if i choose to follow ‘the joy of writing’, am i avoiding ‘masturbation’?
the thought “dualism in action.”
and no.
a preference may be expressing, sure, but if masturbation comes up again or i remember…
<conversation about paints and plants with Sherri>
… after finishing with ‘joy of writing’, we’ll (i’ll) get into it.
no problem.
sometimes these things also seem to come to a natural finish.
still not avoidance or shame, but an appreciat-ion and respect for flow and timing.
(considering asking ChatGPT how it would break this up to make it more easily readable; right now it’s just a growing block moving down the (fourth new (ego?)) page (since starting?))
((minimal spacing for pacing currently being added while transcribing))
the joy of writing, though…
the actual sensations of it;
tiny little movements of the fingers and hand (feel) like lightly plucking guitar strings all the way up the forearm.
((not entirely dissimilar from typing))
the experience of creating anything, even if the thoughts do seem to come from nowhere (no-one?) in particular.
thinking about talking about masturbation again…
see?!
came (ha!) right back around…
frequency?
physical health maintenance/improvement potential ((impact?))?
self-love?
stress-release/relief?
lustful?
sinful?
shameful?
why any of these things?
who’s criteria are these?
certainly not mine.
(seems like a natural finish, and then “racism, racism, racism…”
another time…)
((time for tea now))
yep.
all the rooms are open…)))
(((‘open’ would make a good title)))
(((another natural finish for now)))
(((“maybe the best thing i’ve written so far.”
(proud face)
“i see you in there.”
(smil(e)y to be chosen when typed)((((🤗)))))
(((another natural fin pause(…))))
(((“the tea is finished” ha!)))
((((the above will be a link to another entry))))
((((the pee has been located))))