(((noticing…)))

a desire for more from you existing simultaneously — enmeshed — with a fear of having little to offer in return and/or simply not knowing what is desired in return that can be offered.

“i don’t know what i have to give, or what it is if i have anything, so i try to be open to whatever…”

“wanna talk? let’s talk! awesome!”

“don’t wanna talk? perfect!”
(though inc-linations toward curiosity still arise in forms like “but why though?” “just wanna make sure i haven’t done anything wrong that i don’t know about…” “that’s a tough one to get out sometimes...” “what if i have?” “what if i can’t fix it?” “what if i don’t want to?” “how will they ((you)) feel?” “like i don’t love them ((you))?” “can i tolerate that?”
“as interesting a question whether or not i can accom-modate it — express ((love)) in whatever form best suits them ((you)).”
“do i have the time/energy/resources/motivation/commitment/focus/follow-thru with which to ensure the success and longevity of such an endeavor?” “nope.”)

<tea((’))s been steeping for… ? … minutes now (it’s probably a lot for green tea, but we’re about to call it ‘just right’…)…>

without trying to feel or see any particular way ab-out it…

allowing even the role((-))play, the getting “caught up”, to unfold as it will is without resistance, and to notice…

((…)) the feeling, the seeing, even the trying…

((…)) maybe even the noticing…

(blind and mute (suddenly) but still able to hear and feel… that’s the thought series that just spontaneous-ly arose — imagining (trying to imagine) that…)